SO I wanna go ahead and apologize again for not blogging more. A bunch of people have asked me too, and my sister keeps telling me to do it before I get to caught up in “normal life” again, but I keep putting it off!
**WARNING: I’m being 100% percent honest and open about everything that’s going on right now, just like I would write it in my journal… I’m not going to sugar coat anything. I’m done with acting like everything is perfect in blog world.
These past couple weeks have been kind of hard. Well.. more then kinda. Yesterday I had the privilege to meet Malisa, one of my teammates who goes to Georgia Tech, for lunch…which was awesome! It was so nice to be able to be completely honest with her and talk about everything and for once… someone understood and was dealing with the same kinda stuff.
People kept asking if I was having culture shock being back in America, and my answer was obviously yes… but not in just the ways people assumed.. it was so much more.
Yes 1. It’s been hard to come back and have everything I could have ever dreamed of and more… when I just left a culture who even when they have barely anything at all, not even the same two shoes on… they seem to have everything if they have Christ. And then enter into a world where Christians have everything physically but not much at all spiritually.
2. Its so hard to go from hanging out with the same people for 2 months straight, being stretched and challenged by them everyday, growing deeper to each other than you have ever gone with anyone else… to not seeing them at all, and only on occasion even talking to them. I got so used to living in constant community. Community that God calls us as the body of Christ to live in, but 99% of us don’t. Community where accountability is endless… and its easy to spend lots of time in the word and being soaked up in the Lord’s presence.
3. It’s hard to come to the realization that people aren’t going to understand. I have had the most life changing experience ever and so badly I want to be able to tell people, and them “get it”… but they don’t. It’s not their fault, but they just don’t.
4. Some people could care less to hear about it, people who I really care a lot about and thought they would want to know all about it, but they haven’t asked me at all about it, or maybe one brief question, but that’s all. It sucks because I would like to shout to the world how amazing Jesus is, and all the wonderful things he showed me this summer… but I don’t wanna be that girl that brings it up if they don’t ask. Or they do ask… one or two questions, but you start to tell them and you know they really don’t care. It hurts so bad. On the flip side of that… there has been so many people, who I never ever thought would read my blog or care to know how God rocked my life this summer, and they are constantly asking and eager to know everything and be pumped with me!
5. Its hard not to let Satin convince me that my time here is worthless, cause its not. But its so easy to be confident in the work of the Lord when your dependent on him everyday. And you come back to the real world where its easy to not be dependent on him and you have ALL THIS STUFF, literally in the way. And you feel so little in the grand scheme of things. I ask the Lord more and more everyday to continue breaking my heart for what breaks his over in Africa, and to continue to humble me so that I can give more and more towards causes and passions… even as a college student. We have SO much, and there is SO much that I can do. But I have a fear that I’m gonna get caught up in the same ol same ol, and push these convictions and desires to the side.
Going back to school is hard, real life is hard. Yes I am excited to see everybody, but after this summer… my heart was wrecked for his kingdom, and I don’t want to go back to normal life. My desire is that I do live differently. I do seek his face every morning and every night, and I continue to allow him to work through me like he did this summer because Florida Southern College needs his will to be done just as much as Uganda, Kenya, and Tanzania does.
Right now, I am going to declare Freedom in these things that I keep struggling with. Lord, take me back to this place you had me, this place of surrender and identity completely rooted in you.